Thoughts

I get these thoughts in my head. Not voices but thoughts. Thoughts that shouldn’t be there, that intrude my mind over everything i care about and turning them black.
They’re all completely irrational, each and every one of them, I know they are. But they’re so convincing at the same time. They know where to hit me, they know when to hit me and they know how to hit me.
Anything that makes me happy they will twist until I don’t know what to trust. Everyone says, “Go with your instincts”, but I cant go with mine, if I go with mine everything will go wrong because my instincts are controlled by my anxiety. The demon in my mind, making up the thoughts, trying to take over everything.

I’ve been told I put too many blocks up when trying to come up with solutions for things. And I know I do, I really really do but if I didn’t I wouldn’t feel comfortable with the solution. Every ‘block’ is a thought that pops up telling me why my problem can’t be solved and if I do not voice these things I will not hear why that thought is wrong. I need to be told sometimes, what thoughts are right and what thoughts are wrong.

I know this can be annoying for people, but trust me when I say, it’s more frustrating for me than it will be for anyone else. I did not ask to be like this, but I’m coming to terms with embracing it and coping with it, and sometimes I need help coping. I try not to ask for help a lot anymore, for a couple of reasons. One, I feel more accomplished when I can manage alone, I feel stronger and braver. Two, and this is the one that affects me the most, if I don’t learn to do these things myself, and ask for help too much then people will think I’m too much work and leave, I will push people away like I have done in the past and have been told will happen again. Although I feel there is a chance ‘been told’ may be something that anxiety has so kindly twisted for me so take that with a pinch of salt because I’m not sure either way.

I haven’t posted in a long time, I’ve completely spaced and forgot to post thanks to life. But tonight after quite a while of my anxiety rising again, slowly taking over more again, I wanted to give a deeper insight into what it’s like. Because I’m not sure if even those closest to me truly understand it still and perhaps they never will but this is all I can do.

It’s hard to describe how much it’s getting to me this time around. These thoughts seem to overlap and cloud together to the point where I’m not even sure what they are anymore, sometimes one singles itself out, but mainly its the cloud. A lot of the time the cloud gets so big that I get a headache and I have to let out some of the things in my head, sometimes it’s in my journal, sometimes I message people, but I feel bad when I do that because it makes me feel like a burden. If I don’t let some of them out my head will explode and it’ll be time for a panic attack, so writing and my grounding playlist on spotify have to be done. 

If anyone else wants recommendations for a grounding playlist, because music helps me a lot, then just listen to Ingrid Michaelson, my favourites are Keep Breathing, Giving Up, Can’t Help Falling in Love and You & I.