I Can’t

I can’t keep continuing this never ending cycle of thinking I’m okay to find out a month or so later that I’m not okay.

I can’t keep breaking down at the slightest inconvenience and causing more stress than there needs to be for the people around me.

I can’t keep hiding away in my room whenever possible so I don’t have to keep smiling and pretending that I’m normal and happy when I’m not.

I can’t keep isolating myself from the world around me so I don’t burden any more people with the drama that I always create from nothing.

I can’t keep piling everything on those I love and trust and causing them to constantly worry about me when they have their own lives to deal with.

I can’t keep going everyday with these clouds in my brain turning my mind into overlapping television static that never ever shuts off.

I need to get better, all I want more than anything in the world is to get better, and to be able to stay better. I stopped taking my citalopram ages ago because all it did was make me feel worse and despite how much I’ve been told I should’ve just kept at taking it, I couldn’t handle how much worse it made me. I’ve been considering counselling again but that’s just part of the cycle, if I do go to it again maybe I’ll feel better for a while but it always comes back after a few months after the course of sessions has finished.

So now I’m at a point where I don’t know how I’m ever going to feel okay again

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