I don’t know if this the same for everyone with anxiety or depression or both or something similar. But when I feel something I feel it hard, this is works with both positive and negative emotions. So when I’m feeling a mixture it clouds my head too much, and the negatives start out weighing the positives and then I try and force something positive to come out again and that’s when I come on very strong to people. I will usually need some kind of reassurance from someone close to me that things are good. If I don’t get that reassurance then I can be known to spiral a bit.
I try and hold it in, because it does push people away and I don’t need anyone else leaving me. I try and tell myself that people have lives and things to do and people to see and those people aren’t going to come in between anything.
It’s very hard living away from the most important people in your life, especially when you don’t have the kind of social life that they have. You start to feel jealous when they talk about their plans to go out because you want to be there.
These things make me feel isolated, I don’t have plans every week to go out for drinks and see all these different people 90% of the time I’m sitting alone in my room watching the snapchat stories of the people that do do that.
When I start to feel isolated that’s another time when the reassurance is needed.
I truly hate this part of myself, where I can’t move because I have no one to talk to, to make me feel okay again. I rely too heavily on getting my happiness from people around me that I don’t know how to be okay by myself anymore. This is why I spiraled last night when my wifi went down, because I had no distractions and had to rely on my 4G to contact people, but I have limited data so I didn’t want to waste all of that so for a while I sat there having an attack alone.
That was the first attack I’ve had in a while, I’ve known for sometime that it was coming that it was going to happen because I could feel the cloud getting bigger every moment of everyday. There was nothing I could do to stop it, only ignore it. Now that I’ve had it though I should feel somewhat better, but I don’t. Instead the cloud is still there, just waiting to come back around again to hit me at any moment. And I’m fighting with everything in me to hold it back to not let it do this to me again but right now I don’t feel strong enough.