When you first head off to uni you’re ready for a fresh start and to make new friends like everyone else, but what doesn’t seem to cross your mind is what if you don’t have that new friendship group that makes you look forward to returning after every break. When I first arrived I thought I had that group with my boyfriend and his flat but he quickly broke it off and I was left alone because I never made connections with anyone else so from Christmas break onward I was alone, I had Hannah and Tom obviously but I didn’t have that group where I could always have someone who was free and wanted to see me. Now that Tom is gone and it’s just me and Hannah, I’m stuck with this feeling of perpetual loneliness.
Nothing can be more upsetting than to see people around you having the time of their lives with each other, having the uni experience everyone says you’re supposed to have, while you stuck in your room alone. You try to sit with people that you know when you go to lectures but you’re just kidding yourself because they would rather talk to their friends, and you just sit there quietly filled with this social anxiety that is always fucking holding you back making you into that quiet weird girl who is trying too hard to fake that she is not alone.
I tried to change it this year, I tried to reach out to people I thought I could make stronger connections with and build real friendships with by hosting a gathering to start off second year and it’s supposed to be happening tonight and I should be filled with excitement but I’m quite the opposite, it really feels like everyone has had better offers or just really does not want to turn up because why even would they? They barely know me and I look like a freak just trying to force people into a friendship when they don’t need anymore friends they have enough already. All I want to do right at this very moment is cancel it to save the humiliation of no one turning up and everyone knowing that no one has turned up and being pitied and laughed at for even trying.
It’s safe to say that I wish I wasn’t at university right now, because it doesn’t make me happy, it just makes me feel worthless.