Assertiveness vs. Aggression

So I’ve been talking to a counsellor about finding the balance between assertiveness, aggression and passiveness. My anxiety makes me very very unbalanced in this, to the point where I’m either too passive and just stay quiet in situations that make me feel uncomfortable and upset and so on, or I’m get so panicky and shaky that a bite at someone and become aggressive in my words and tone and end making the entire thing worse. This is especially when it’s just my anxiety telling me lies.

This has been a major problem for me over the years where I can’t just be assertive and tell my friends how I feel and acknowledge them and their feelings and stay calm through out it, I have always gone straight for a bitchy comment leading to regret leading to an attack.
This has actually been one of the main reasons I argue with my best friend, and although I’m slowly getting better at it, recent events are just evidence of me still having a ways to go. And now I’m just lost, like every other time, I’m lost because why would she want to talk to me after what I said? I basically implied that she doesn’t give a shit about me and doesn’t want me, even though I know for a fucking fact that it’s all bullshit. Now all I can do is hope that she can come round to mine and we can talk about it all with coffee, snacks and Gossip Girl, because I can’t put into words what my head is like when I can’t talk to my best friend.

It’s been a very very bad phase of anxiety this week, with no reason for it and I take it out those I love the most, and I cause them to just want to get away from me from I become toxic. I’m a messy individual what can I say?

When you can feel your anxiety taking over, when you get shaky and have two million thoughts running through your head and you don’t know what to feel or believe, just don’t talk to anyone until you’ve got a clear mind, turn off your phone and distract yourself, and learn which feelings are real and which are just whispers from the great monster that is your anxiety. Letting the monster take over, letting the monster talk to our friends for you is letting it win. It’s main goal is for you to be alone and hated, with no one to help you defeat it. Your monster will always go for the aggressive route, it will always say and/or do anything to push people away from you.

To be assertive is to make your feelings known but not through selfish comments. What the counsellor said was “I” sentences, by saying things such as “I feel…” “I think…” etc. However, don’t just leave it at that you have to look at both sides, you have to see where the other person is coming from and accept their point of view. Otherwise you just sound like a dick. It might take some time to understand the other side, that’s when you leave the conversation for a bit, so you can think things through without the impulse of typing whatever comes into your head running through you.

I haven’t experienced something like last night since I was like 16, I said it, my best friend left, and I broke down. I turn into this weird, obsessive, pathetic freak in times like this, I find it very hard to focus on anything else and unless I have a huge distraction, I’m not going to stop thinking about it. All that runs through my head is ways to make it better, ways to get my best friend back, because I go nuts. And I fucking hate it, this is the very worst part of myself, and a lot of the time I can’t control it. But I am trying, so so so hard. And I’m hoping that someone, anyone can relate to this because I don’t know anyone else how acts like this.

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