Have Mercy

Next week is my last ever week of college and it’s amazing, the end has come around so quick and I’m proud of myself for actually completing this course. It was hard, really hard, I was on the edge of dropping out and giving up thanks to my wonderfully crippling anxiety. But I persevered  – I even have an award for it – and I’m glad I did. I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t. It’s thanks to the support I had from every direction really and I probably don’t show my appreciation as much as I should.

I’m still not perfect, I still panic and worry and overreact to the slightest things. At the moment it’s kind of hitting me more, as much as I’m happy college is finishing, there’s also this gigantic fear of what’s to come next. Like I said in my last post, I really can’t wait, but the closer it gets the more real it becomes. I will be moving 2 and a half hours away from home, it’s like 130 miles away from Vin, Mum, Ella, my whole family, everything I’m used to and everything I love. I’m going to miss my cousins baby being born, I won’t be home for my birthday, I won’t be able to go to Ella’s room when I feel completely alone, everything is going to change and I’m scared. It’s all I can think about at the moment and I feel like I’m making things change for everyone, I worry about my mum a lot because of her joints, the thought of leaving her like that when it looks like it gets worse everyday, I feel horrible. It’s like I’m leaving all of this for Ella, who also needs me, she doesn’t admit it but she relies on me, she looks up to me, I am constantly worried about her turning out like me, I can’t watch her go through what I did. Mum tells me to not worry about them, that they’ll be okay but I can’t not worry, they are my entire world.

On top of leaving my family, I’ll be leaving Vin, my best friend of almost 7 years, the girl I’ve never been apart from. Not having her popping round at least twice a week any more feels wrong, like completely wrong. This is why I plan on spending as much time as I physically can with her over the summer, she will be sick of the sight of me because I will not leave her alone. I want to take tonnes of photos and have them up in my room at uni. I don’t care whether I have the money or not, we will complete the bucket list I made. Me leaving her is like when Teddy had to move away from Michelle in Full House. There’s not a lot that is as painful as leaving your best friend in the whole world.
I can still call her and Skype her but it’s still gonna feel awful. Every time I think of leaving Vin I get upset, I have to keep it bottled away but it’s difficult, I don’t know what I’m gonna do without her, she keeps me sane and is like the only person who can make me smile when I truly down. I never thought in my entire life I’d have someone who is as special to me as Vin is, what we have been through together has formed a friendship that I can never imagine breaking.

All I am worrying about at the moment is leaving Essex. I have good friends that are going to DMU already, I know I’ve got people there that will become my own Leicester family, and I will have the time of my life with them. I have no doubt in my mind about that. I know I will enjoy Freshers and I will be nervous as fuck when I get there and when I first start classes but so will everyone else and we will all help each other. I already know I have at least one new friend who can handle me when I get in a state thanks to him experiencing it over facetime and for someone I’ve never met, he really was a massive help.

I know this is kinda similar to my last post, but I need my brain to have mercy on me tonight, and spilling it all out on this blog tends to help so there.

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