So I’ve started my FMP at college. Basically, I don’t know what I’m doing. I literally sit in front of the screen at college asking myself over and over, “What are you doing?” I feel so fucking lost. I am getting no sleep at night because I am freaking out so much over this, except last night when I slept for 12 hours straight to catch up on the hours I haven’t been getting.
I need to vent this all out so if you’re not ready to read some 19 year old girls issues scrambled all over this page then I would turn away now. If you are interested in this however, the go ahead and read, maybe even send me a message if you want to vent about your own issues and I will read them. I don’t know it helps some people a.k.a. me.
I am so behind that I had a deadline today at 2pm for all my research to be done, but I had so send off one half finished post with an apology and reason why it’s so shite. I just haven’t physically been able to do it, on the days I’m not at college I’ve been working and when I’m at home I am so mentally exhausted from the day that I can’t open up my coursework without feeling on the verge of a breakdown.
A lot of people have just said to me, “You have an unconditional, you don’t have to worry about anything”. I don’t think they actually hear the bullshit in their words. Of course I need to fucking worry. I can’t just relax, I am just as fucking worried about my grades as anyone else, I need good grades so that I don’t look lazy or stupid. If I want any kind of bursary to help me in uni then I need good grades. These grades will have to go on my CV, employers will not be impressed with shit grades. I have as much to worry about as anyone else.
Recently, my mind has been overflowing with so much stress that I have just been missing. I can’t focus on the simplest thing I’m doing. I grab a coffee at lunch and I walk off without it after putting the sugar in it. I put my books down on the table and 1 minute later I’m running around the whole house looking for them. I can feel these things missing in my mind, like they’ve been pushed out by the thought of how little I can afford, the thought of work the next day, the thought of what everyone else is doing in lesson.
I have been having dreams about these things. I’ve woken up thinking I was stranded in Leicester because I couldn’t save up for my accommodation. I cannot do anything without worrying about something.
And on top of all this, the only way I can get my issues out is through here because I am not allowed to talk about university outside of my blog, because of my unconditional I am not allowed to worry about my issues with the prep because apparently everything is so fucking easy. Apparently I can just skate into there on a fucking unicorn surrounded by rainbows without a care in the world. Yes, I may not have to worry about my grades getting my a place on my course and that is something that a hell of a lot of kids dream of. But I am allowed to worry about my grades getting me a bursary, I am allowed to worry about not affording my accommodation, I am allowed to worry about not being able to get up there because right now I can’t think of any way of travelling there on moving day, I am allowed to worry about freaking out without the comfort of my mum to help me, I am allowed to worry about not being able to pay rent, I am allowed to worry about not being able to talk to anyone brand fucking new thanks to how much a tard I am, I am allowed to worry about a lot of things and I am especially allowed to worry about the fact that I have to isolate all of these things that are getting worse and worse in my mind just so I don’t upset the people I care about.
I really am just stuck now, I am stuck in a place where all I can do is rant on my blog when I feel like I haven’t posted in ages. And I apologise for the series of negative posts, I will try and make a positive one next time, I just needed to get this out of my system and off my shoulders for a second cause holy shit does this suck.