This morning I woke up and just sat there. Like most mornings, I just sat there wondering if I could handle today, no matter what I chose things would end badly. I go in and I have to fake intelligence and happiness then have an anxiety attack in the toilets and hide for the rest of the day. I don’t go in and mum gives me the look of pure disappointment, not anger it’s disappointment which everyone knows is worse.
I decided to not go in, too many cramps and just exhaustion from the weekend which was pretty fab actually but more on that later. And for once mum seemed fine with it and I was happy that she was. Obviously I would be. But I still was completely unable to get rid of this nagging at the back of mind that something bad would happen later.
The nagging was right. I’m so far behind in my college work and we finish for the year in just a few weeks and I’m gonna fail. I know that, hence why I’m not going into next year and finding a salon to start an apprenticeship in. She has been extremely supportive but Mum just doesn’t know how to keep some emotions to herself. Mum worries a lot about me and keeps telling me to go to college to keep them happy so we keep up finances for as long as possible but thing is what’s the point? I have a job I will pay her as much as possible to help.
However like I said I break up in a few weeks so there is zero point in dropping out now. It’s all in shambles, my whole life is a bunch of different problems rolled into one chaotic ball that keeps rolling over me every time I try and pick it apart.